Week 18
----The 'Rehab' Cop Out----
Politicians and 'Celebrities' Who Go To Rehab...
****May 30, 2007****Looks like it's Round 2 for Lindsay...silly girl, she coulda saved the $30gs and bought herself some new rims
****May 4, 2007****The next celeb to head to rehab...again....I give you David Hasselhoff
Let's face it; we all do "bad" things.
Some of us spew anti-Semitic garbage from our mouths, some of us have AOL IM sex with little boys, and some of us trollop around town without underwear on, throw-up in clubs and then shave our heads and attack cars with umbrellas. Some of us take bribes and defraud the government, some of us engage in sexual relationships with our adopted children, and some of us do drugs and alcohol while representing our country but beg and cry because we really want to keep our crowns. And still...some of us get 'caught' by cameras doing something we've been doing for years, some of us leave lewd messages on people's voicemails, and some of us post so-called 'racy' pictures of ourselves on the internet.
*btw, in case you didn't already, scrolling over the links changes the picture up top... ;)
I tend to gravitate away from most of those things (ok, well fine, except the voicemails upon occasion but I've yet to have had to enter rehab) as do the people I associate with. So by 'some of us' I really mean 'a select few seriously f'ed up individuals' and lucky (or unlucky) for them, they happen to be in the public eye one way or another.
Now when you're in the public eye, getting caught doing any of those things make you look pretty bad so the best thing to do is to 'take full responsibility for your actions'...'by blaming drugs and/or alcohol'. Really, that's the way to make everything better and checking into a rehab facility is certainly a lot faster and a hell of a lot more comfortable than sitting in a jail cell or being blackballed from society and in the case of those mentioned above, the public eye. And it's not like drugs and alcohol can talk back and be like, 'nuh uh! It wasn't me! I don't even like having sex with MYSELF!' or 'wtf? I AM a Jew!' The reason why they have to take such 'drastic measures' by entering rehab? Well because without the 'public' many of these people have little left to define themselves by and even less to add to society, unless your name is Paris Hilton and then you would still be helping science by being a host body for new forms of STDs. So you see, going to 'rehab' is a quick fix for these people.
So the next time you do something wrong, no matter how big or small it is, the best and easiest way to get out of 'trouble' is simply to go into rehab. But seeing how most of us don't have the $30,000+ it can cost to get the certificate from a rehab/spa, for the same amount of effort and personal responsibility, and for only a FRACTION of the cost (you'll have to supply the ink and paper to print it) I've made a nice little 'rehab certificate generator' thing (complete with the current days date) here at the spin zone that you can feel free to use to get out of anything you do 'bad'. And for those of you out there who think that these trips to rehab are legit and actually stop the drinking/drug use (seeing as how THAT was what made them do the 'bad' stuff in the first place) then I guess we can expect to never ever ever see those people drinking or doing drugs ever ever again right? Puhleeease...I'm not sure it was even a month after 'getting out of rehab' that Mel Gibson was drinking and Kate Moss was snorting but until Mel says something like 'OMG it wasn't a dingo that ate my baby, IT WAS TEH JEWS!!!!!', I wouldn't count on Mel being too concerned about his alcohol intake.
Furthermore, you'll probably want a 'publicist' to make all your 'official' statements for you (this is yet one more way to get out of having to answer anything directly and it's also a good way to outright lie to people) so feel free to use me as your publicist, that's right, um...."ELLE PR" is now your official publicity firm should you want it. (I just made that up, but some have called me by that nickname in the past and it looks professional and stuff). Feel free to 'enter rehab' as often as you get caught. If it works for people who represent us (via the government, sports teams or the Big Screen) then surely it can work for you.
In case you missed the link to the tuOpoC Clinic certificate generator...here it is! Click now 
and be a recovering ______ in a matter of seconds!
Agree? Disagree? Have a comment? Suggestion? Potential winner? Click HERE for the form or if you prefer, go ahead and email me